Our menu options have changed

"Thank you for calling the Blah Blah Blah Corporation, please listen closely as our menu options have changed."

If i hear this one more time, i swear i am going to dip my phone in marinara sauce and eat it. This message bothers me on three levels:

1. It's pretty clear from the start that their only goal is to force me to listen to the entire recording, so right off the bat I'm annoyed already.

2. You don't need to tell me to "listen closely". I'm an adult. I know how to listen. I have taken time out of my busy day to call you, so you can rest assured that I'm not on the other end of the phone playing scrabble and juggling flaming bowling pins.

3. I don't care that your menu options have changed. I had no idea what your menu options were in the first place. And why are your menu options changing so much that you need to make that a permanent part of your voice message? What is this, a high school cafeteria?

I think if I owned a company, you’d get a message like this:

"Welcome to Bryan Inc, we trust that since you were competent enough to pick up a phone and dial our number, you probably know how to use a menu system. So here you go..."

-If you would like to speak to Customer Support, please Press 1
-If you would like to speak with Technical Support, please Press 2
-If you would like to speak with Technical Customers, please Press 3
-If you would like to argue with someone, please Press 4
-If you are not calling from a touch-tone phone, please hang up and smash your phone to pieces with a ball peen hammer.
-If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, don’t be too proud of yourself, we all have them now.
-If you can't understand the words that are coming out of my mouth, Press 5
-If you like the number 6, Press 6
-If you would like to speak to an operator, which we're pretty sure is the reason you called, we'll get to that in a second.
-If you think you should have pressed option 2 a few seconds ago, Press 7
-If you think you should have pressed option 7 a few seconds ago, it's too late.
-If your inquiry involves the words "abstemious", "truncate", or "prosciutto", Press 8
-For all other deli meats, Press 9.
-If you want my body, and you think I’m sexy, Press #.
-If you enjoy being jerked around and toyed with, please say "operator" into the mouthpiece until you are transferred.
-If you can’t remember why you even called, please Press *
-If you still want to speak to an operator, press 0.
-If none of these menu choices were applicable, please hang up and call back in 10 minutes, as our menu options will probably have changed again.