The Schnoz Report - NFL 2007

Welcome to The Schnoz Report. If you're more excited about the 2007 NFL season starting up than you are about George W. using the 'A' word, then you've come to the right place. Each week The Schnoz Report will get you ready for the upcoming slate of games in the NFL, providing angles (both acute and obtuse) that you won't get anywhere else.

Coming tomorrow, we'll kick things off with our Week 1 Report. For now, let's take a look at the 2007 season as a whole...

I hate sports, especially football

If the above statement is true for you, then the rest of this post will only make you angry. Here, go read about the woman in China who got fired for contradicting her boss or go take a look at how messed up Denzel's teeth used to be.

fantasy football team names

Naming and drafting your fantasy football team is the only good thing about the NFL preseason. My plan this year was to be in one league that i could devote all my attention to. How many leagues did I end up in? Four. I just can't say no, kinda like when I'm offered a piece of vermont sharp cheddar cheese. mmmmm....cheese. but back to fantasy, here are my four team names this year:

The Encroachment - this is a league I'm in with a guy I play softball with. I don't know anyone else in the league, so I kept the team name pretty sterile. On a side note, "encroachment on the defense" is one of my favorite penalties.

Jack Bauer Kidney Punch - this league is with some teenagers from my church. When creating a team name, I like to use TV characters from shows i watch and couple them with something painful. Runners-up for this team name were George Costanza Brain Freeze and Dwight Schrute Paper Cut.

I Was in the Pool! - This marks the fourth year in a row that I've gone with a Seinfeld reference for one of my fantasy teams. It's my way of paying homage to the best sitcom of all time. Incidentally, this is the only league i have money riding on ($20) and it is the league that i am in with my church's pastors. shhhhh...

John Clayton Breaks Wind - This is my team name in the Burnside Writers League. It is where Burnside editor Jordan Green will get his lunch handed to him by the school lunchlady, Mrs. YourTeamGotBeatdownAgain. I have to say, I thought my team name was decent until Dan Gibson named his team "I Bit Dakota Fanning", which is probably the best fantasy team name I've ever gone up against. Poor John Clayton and his flatulence, how can he compete with those teethmarks on Dakota Fanning's forearm?

Do you bet on games?

I do, sortof. I am in a picks pool where you pick every game of every week against the spread. It's $50 to get in for the year, which works out to less than $3 a week. For me it's about entertainment, not padding my income. Some folks would rather spend $3 on a pack of Marlboro Reds or a bookmark at a christian bookstore. Me, I'd rather put a little something on the football games I'm watching. But like everything else in life folks, moderation is key.

Speaking of betting, each week I am going to have my lovely wife Erica pick games against the spread as well, and we'll see who does better. (i know that Bill Simmons has already done this). We've made a deal where any week that she ties or beats me, i owe her a 30-minute backrub. (on top of the ones i already give her because i am a great husband). If i have more right than her, nothing happens. It's a sweet deal for her, but really this is all a part of my clever plan to get her to watch football with me...she has never cared about a single down in football before in her life.

NFC Predictions

I like the Saints, Eagles, Rams, and Bears to win their divisions. I'll give the Wild Cards to the Cowboys and Falcons. I think the New Orleans Saints and Philadelphia Eagles will meet in the NFC Championship game, with the Saints marching on (shame on me for that obvious pun) to the Super Bowl. The worst team in the NFC this year will be the Giants, who will finish 4-12 and see Tom Coughlin get fired after a terrible Week 12 home loss to the Vikings.

AFC Predictions

I like the Patriots, Chargers, Colts, and Steelers to finish atop their divisions, with the Ravens and Bengals sneaking in as the wild cards. I'm predicting that the Patriots will beat that Chargers in Foxboro in the AFC Championship game and that it will be a New England/New Orleans Super Bowl. As for the dregs of the AFC, I think Cleveland and Kansas City will both end up with 3 wins and a shot at the first pick in the draft.

In Closing

The Super Bowl is being played in Arizona this year. Have you heard that the entire natural grass playing surface can be rolled out of the stadium into the parking lot? No really, it can. That just blows my mind. But back to the Super Bowl, I think the New England Patriots will beat the New Orleans Saints to win their 4th Super Bowl in the past 7 years. I know it's not a bold prediction, but it's all I've got.

If you'd rather I got a little riskier with my picks, then forget you read that last paragraph and know this: the Philadelphia Eagles will claw their way to a Super Bowl win defeating the Cincinnati Bengals in Super Bowl XLII by a score of 27-6.

Feedback

Got a Super Bowl Prediction? Got a great name for your Fantasy Team? Got a piece of vermont sharp cheddar cheese you'd like to share? Let me know in the comments section.

Sorry sports haters, I will be back tomorrow with a look at Week 1.

-The Schnoz